Tom Doar Head Of School -- A Few Reflections

Tom and Mouse Doar

Tuesday the Village of Winnetka proclaimed it Tom Doar Day and Saturday will be the Tom Doar Picnic. So its a good chance for me to write a post in a spring time that has gone as usual by way to quickly with 7 days and most nights a week of constant North Shore activity.

My immediate and extended family has spent a lot of time around Independent Schools. Just between me, my wife, my sons, my brother, my sister, their children and my mom and dad, (I won't even get to aunts, uncles and cousins) we have attended, worked at, paid tuition at, been on the board of or in some other way associated with 10 different Independent Schools in 8 different states over the last 50 years. This post is not about me or my family. It's about Tom Doar III. But I come from a family that loves -- with a sometimes critical eye -- everything about education. And I think we know what we are talking about when we talk about especially Independent Schools like North Shore Country Day School.

My mom turns 90 in June and so when she says "Mr. Doar looks like a Head of School" it means a lot more than he just superficially has the physical qualities that someone out of central casting would say "hey, that's a Head of School." He does have those qualities. But there's so much more to say about this era in our school's history that would make both a person entering their 10th decade of life and a student in their first decade all able to say -- Mr. Doar is our Head of School.

I am trying to remember the first time I met Tom Doar and although I cannot remember the moment, I do remember in his first weeks after his return to North Shore being asked to drive his son Charlie then entering the 6th grade up to Lake Geneva for 6th grade outdoor ed. Both Charlie and I were supposed to be there already, but we were delayed. I had never spoken to Charlie before but the 90 minute drive will always stick in my mind as one of the best initial conversations I ever had with a middle school student. We talked non-stop from when we left Winnetka until we got to Lake Geneva. When I returned I said to Tom, wow that's quite a boy you have there and described our conversation. Tom's response was 'Well I guess now you know all the family secrets."

I don't think the Doar's have family secrets. I think that's one of their strengths. They probably have issues like every family. But Tom like that conversation with Charlie is open about his foibles and that has always made him an approachable Head of School who has been easy for me and I think many others to be honest with about the challenges we are facing.

That year of 1996-97, I was still coaching JV Boys Basketball and Thomas Doar IV was on the JV Basketball team. Thomas was fun to coach as he was considerably shorter and slighter than he is today but unafraid to mix up with boys who had physically matured quicker than he had -- kind of North Shore Steph Curry of that time.  The game I remember most was a day when we had started the game with a technical foul. The foul was assessed because I had not carefully checked who was wearing what jersey number. The refs caught it just after the tip and our opponent was awarded two technical foul shots and the ball and quickly was up 4-0. I quickly felt I had let everyone down. But the issue never rattled Thomas. We were down all of the game but in the 4th quarter, Thomas started throwing up deep 3's ala Steph Curry and hitting them. And at the buzzer sent the game to overtime. The coolness and grace with which Thomas did this, trying to salvage his coach's error always stuck with me.

School as our principal at the time said -- get's messy. The key is not to the let the mess, mess you up from your goals and Thomas with a lot of grace tried his best to salavage this tough situation. As I reflect on that moment, that's the way Tom Doar usually dealt with the messiness of school. Gracefully, No big deal, we would get through it. Assuming everyone had the best of intentions. Sometimes trying throwing a deep shot to see if he could make a particular situation better. It usually worked.

It was a few years later, I got to know Mullery. I was lucky to coach Mullery for four years in high school. Track was her 3rd sport after Field Hockey and Basketball. I remember the day as a ninth grader that she told me she would step away from her friends going out for soccer and try track. Mullery went on to qualify for the state meet for 3 years in a row and was  multi-time ISL Champ in the hurdles, high jump and relays. I have a lot of stories I could tell of coaching Mullery. But today this is the one that typifies her father the most. Mullery's sophomore year, we qualified our 4x100m relay team to the state meet. That relay included three other great kids who still hold the school record now 12 years later It was a memorable trip to the state meet but I would tell the team, "Ok be ready and meet outside by 5:30" and I'd get to the meeting location and Mullery would be there early and then we would wait. Eventually the others would show up. After three of four times of this happening,  I would ask Mullery while we waited, what's up with the others. She would just shrug and say "Coach, they got to get ready." But the amazing thing to me was Mullery was always ready and ready early. I have taken lots of kids to the state meet now and most kids are never early to the show up time. Most kids are late. It's just the way they are. But Mullery was different and that's like her Dad. I have worked for seven heads of school and Tom Doar III is always the most consistent in his behavior. He always shows up and always early. Try to beat him to the parking lot in the morning. You won't. And if others are late, he shrugs his shoulders assumes the best and moves on.

My last story has nothing to do with my interactions with the Doar's but it will always remind me of them. When our two sons were young in order to squeeze in a family vacation in an increasingly busy summer schedule at North Shore, Kathy and I used to leave school as soon as we could after graduation in our car and head to a national park or a beach somewhere. One year as we drove across western segments of Minnesota where the highway is straight and flat the speed of our mini-van got over 80 miles an hour and I got pulled over by a Minnesota state trooper. At that time I still had an Illinois School Bus Drivers license and a CDL on my card. The trooper after taking my license returning to his car and checking my record, came back to my window and said "I bet it would be really tough on you at work if I ticketed you given your school bus drivers license. I had no idea what he was referring too but I quickly said "yes sir it would be." And then the trooper said. "I am letting you go, but please slow down." I said yes sir. Closed my window and headed west. Kathy and I turned to each other -- two east coasters not used to being treated this way -- and said "that is so Mr. Doar". Minnesota nice at its best!

These four stories sum up to me the Tom Doar era at our school. He was open with his thoughts and had an open door for others. He always had grace under pressure and was able to hit the big shot when it mattered most. He showed up early and you could always depend on him. He tried to be nice in the most difficult of situations and think about all the ramifications of his decisions. And despite the inevitable messiness of schools, he always kept the most important the most important things like relationships, community and family.