The Five Languages of Love

Since it is the Holidays, a lot of us -- like me -- are with extended family. So this is a good time to show our love for those we may not see much the rest of the year. Unfortunately, it is also a time when being around family a lot can lead to misunderstandings that may last for months after the Holidays are over.

I thought some of the ideas, in Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Languages of Love might make the season go smoother for your family, and I also believe have some relevance in developing relationships with athletes. I originally read about Chapman's ideas in Tim Elmore's blog On Leading the Next Generation. Chapman identifies five ways that people show their love. Apparently, we all have both a preferred or favorite way to show our love and receive love. Here are the five ways that Chapman identifies.
1) Words of Affirmation (Speaking words of encouragement, favor and belief)
2) Quality Time (Spending focused time just sharing with another person)
3) Physical Touch (Holding hands, offering a hug or squeeze to express affection)
4) Deeds of Service (Finding ways to serve someone by doing something for them)
5) Tangible Gifts (Providing some tangible gift that the other person appreciates)
To effectively build relationships with others you should not only understand your preferred way to show and receive love but understand the differences you might have with those in your family. If you want to learn your preferred way to show and receive love you can go to Dr. Chapman's website and take his assessment LEARN YOUR LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

Love may be too strong a word to describe most coaching and teaching relationships. However, making sure that your athletes know and feel that you like and appreciate them is essential to getting the most out of your relationship with them. Starting from that foundation, a lot more can be achieved.

In order to make sure his players did not confuse his feelings for them and his need to make them better, our former basketball coach John Schneiter would occasionally start a conversation by saying "George, do you like me?" The stunned player would always answer yes. Which would lead to Schneiter following up with, "that's good. I like you too. But if you do not hustle back on defense you are not going to be playing as much as you want."

Unfortunately, too often athletes can misunderstand a coach's intention and perceive a criticism as an example that the coach does not like them, which can lead to many weeks of misunderstandings. Like in family relationships, we need to search for ways to reassure our players that they are liked and appreciated. Former NFL football player and now minister and high school football coach, Joe Erhmann -- who I posted about in late October -- does start and end each of his practices with a declaration of love for his team members. I am not recommending that every coach does this, but by examining tools like Chapman's Five Languages of Love and considering the individual differences among members of your team you can build better relationships that will lead to a more productive team -- and I hope Happy Holidays too.